I was on the train the other day with Meng Tung, Meng Li and Nikolai when Meng Tung asked me this question.. "What is your meaning of life?" In reply to her question, I wrote this essay-long writing. It took me about 1.5 hrs to finish writing it. Here it goes..

The meaning of life

Meng Tung asked me a very interesting question that left me pondering for days. “The meaning of life.” What is it all about? Well, it is true that I have found my meaning of life long before she asked me this question, but when I reflect on what my meaning of life really is, it really starts to reflect on how I have behaved and how I acted upon various situation.

I grew up as a kid, knowing very little about life. All I yearn for was the praises of men, and of many. My life was based upon piles and piles of fairy tales and imagination, all but reality. Life to me was just a lollipop. My big bubble dreamland was burst, when I went to secondary school. Things were never the same as I thought they were. I was frequently bullied in school, my knowledge of fairy tales just do not help me see the reality, the one which I lived in. To be accepted by many, I started to join people in teasing the weaklings, not study for examinations, vent my anger on the ones who loved me the most, and all sorts of horrible stuff no one could ever imagine me doing.

I remembered very clearly of how I bullied Xing Qing. Well, Xing Qing is a very quiet guy. He looks weak and a little unhygienic, although he baths regularly. He was supposed to be my “best friend”. He initiated our friendship, our so-called clicks back then in secondary school. We talked regularly, and sometimes shared our private time together, talking about anything under the sun. He studied quite a lot, and it would seem that we both should click very well. However, things weren’t what it’s supposed to be. I started to get a little irritated with him, because the friends around me could not stand him. I started to blackmail him, giving him horrible names that one should never say, just to get praises and let people say even more nasty things about him.

My craving for the praises of men worsened. I could not stand criticism, and I would want perfection in every of my work. Nothing is ever possible for me. I choose my friends like how I choose my clothes, my projects never meet their deadlines, because I would never give them a chance to do so. My grades deteriorated, my friends lessened, and I start to feel really useless. My life went on a downhill, and all I could see was to see myself committing suicide. It sounds crazy, but I really thought of that once. Can you imagine, all for the sake of finding my meaning in life?

I was in Junior College when my friend invited me to church. I did not believe in GOD actually, because I imagined Him as just a probe for the believers to believe in. I mean, just like worshipping air or something like that. I could not care less about GOD and the things around me, and thus, turned my friend down. Apparently, two weeks later, I was “tricked” into cell group by my friend, who told me that there is a very pretty girl in the cell group and would want to let me see. He promised that I could wait and not participate in cell group. I promised, but with a very unwilling heart. I did not sit alone on the sofa. I was asked to join them for cell group. We sang songs, prayed and did a lot of things that I never knew a Christian would be doing. Quite amazingly, the message on that day was about the meaning of life. Although the preaching by Bee Leng was amazing, I left cell group for home, and I had also promised myself, never to join them for cell group again.

Little did I know, I became one of the pretty important persons after Bee Leng. As I became a helper, I found out that managing a cell group is not as easy as it seems. The question for the meaning of life came running across my mind again, but it is in a form of a voice this time round. “Hey, what do you want to do with your life? Do you want to make it big, like buying a big car, or be a CEO of a big company? What do you want to be? What is your meaning of life? Does it have a meaning?” I became speechless. I mean, I have no idea what should I say. Being in church for about 4 years is has really changed my life. I used to be crazy about earning big money, but I found out that they will pass away. They will not exist for long. Just as I was thinking, an image of my cell group members, under my guidance, were laughing and smiling away. They all looked very blessed spiritually. I, in the vision, was their cell group leader. I smiled. I finally know what the meaning of life for me is. The meaning of life for me is love.

What is the meaning of life for me?

The meaning to my life is love. Its not about a boy girl relationship love, in fact, it’s a love much greater than that. Its love that unconditional, undying and of course, ever lasting. It’s the love, so great, so pure, and so moved as to do anything for another person. It’s a love for the unloving, love for my enemies and love for the people who desperately need it. Everyone needs it, no matter how strong or how tough we may look. That is why there is this saying, “for every successful man, there is always a successful woman behind him.” Love makes the world go round. I want to be this love ambassador, the particular someone to bring hope to the hopeless, the courage to the fearful, and of course, love to the emotionally breakdown. Life has a different meaning for me. Instead of what people can do for me, why not let me do something for the masses?

I am a Christian, and because of that, I was taught a lot of real experiences about the greatest love I can ever experience. Jesus Christ dying on the cross for me, even though I don’t even know Him or even see Him before. His love shows me the true way and the best way as to how I can show the love to other people. Having GOD as my role model, I began to understand why people think in a particular direction, or let’s say, have a particular way of living.

Loving people is not really about being nice. Nice is just an outward appearance, an outward shell, just like an egg, where one can use it to shield all the nasty inner ugliness away from the people around him. I don’t want to be nice. I believe there are situations that I cannot be nice. There are things that I have to correct and tell them off. I mean, that is what love is all about. You love a particular person so much that you do not want him or her to carry his or her bad habits along with him. I used to be a very nice guy back there in cell group. I did not really care about my well being, instead, I placed others higher than me. I became someone who is easily manipulated. I became very human oriented. I became very depend on my friends and the people whom I do not know. It’s only after I became a helper when I realized, that being a nice guy doesn’t work anything out. Love is not really about being nice. I took about a year or two to realize that.

Love is not about having the lovey dovey feeling in the air. That is also love, but that love cannot be given to everyone on any basis. That is intimate love. A guy should never go around giving girls the signal that he is ready for a relationship to found out that he isn’t willing for a relationship, but just to express love. This love is a bonding love. If it is not fulfilled, it can break hearts and let tears flow.

True unconditional love is all about being there for a friend, when you know that he is going through a tough time or he is not feeling well. True love is about trusting your friends and serving them. True love is giving people the attention that they need. It is not easy, and it takes time to cultivate, but the fruits of the labor are plentiful. The fruits are smiling faces, happy and blessed people. You might also be able to touch someone’s life. That is the fruits that I am cultivating. I want to be the one to bless the people, the masses, and the ones who are looking for the blessing.

How many people GOD wants me to touch, would depend really on HIM. Here I am, to give people hope and vision about what is coming and what to expect. This is my calling, and I will do whatever it takes to bless as many people as possible. Let it be in this lifetime where a lot of people’s lives would be changed. Let me be that changer.

Well, that's it. I'd hope you like it.